Alcorn Mcbride V+ series, User Manual

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1-4 Welcome
Important Information
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine Product that would give
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will
destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to:
Please for God's sake read this owner's manual carefully before you unpack the
Product. You already unpacked it, didn't you? You unpacked it and plugged it
in and turned it on and fiddled with the knobs, and now your child, the same
child who once shoved a polish sausage into your video cassette recorder and set
it on "fast forward", this child also is fiddling with the knobs, right? We might
as well just break these Products right at the factory before we ship them out,
you know that?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting
back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently
bathed the Product in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we
naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
Unpacking the Product
The Product is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like
nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
Please inspect the contents carefully for gashes or Ida Mae Barker's engagement
ring, which she lost last week, and she thinks that maybe it was while she was
packing Products.
Warning
Do not ever as long as you live throw away the box or any of the
pieces of Styrofoam, even the little ones shaped like peanuts. If you attempt to
return the Product to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store
personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after
he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the Product, the box should contain:

Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should
turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a
major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
Important
This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.